I can’t. I CAN’T I CAN’T I CAN’T I FUCKING CAN’T. 

posting this rant under a cut so I don’t flood your dash with my anger and rage

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accurate

April 7th 

allysonraewrites:

Family Car Rides

On the rare occasion that the four of us—my parents, my sister and I—actually have an afternoon where we’re all together, we take car rides to nowhere. The discussions are random, humorous and slightly sarcastic. This is a compilation of the best things said on one of those trips.)

Let’s take this road and
see where we end up
Straight or right? Straight.
I don’t even know where we are.
We’ll probably end up in
Mayville or some shit, or
lost in the woods on the
run from serial killers.
Your imagination is terrifying.

Look at the pretty fence all
the way around that house.
That’d be nice but money’s tight
again this summer; no pool
like that one either—maybe
next summer kids. That’s 
what you said four summers ago.

“RED SOLO CUP!” I love
this song! Turn it up dad.
Please. Sing-a-longs while hills
toss our stomachs into our throats
and red shutters cry
down the side of a house.
Shutters don’t cry, Allyson.
They don’t have feelings.
What do you know about
how houses feel anyway?

I’m going to put that into a poem, you know.
And no dad, you are not allowed to
sing. Especially when you don’t
know the words. I have the
sudden urge to go mini golfing.
I think there’s a course at the
bottom of Lake Chautauqua;
why don’t you go find out?

Did you know Chautauqua
means “bag, tied in the middle?”
The Native Americans named it.
Are you on drugs? That’s stupid.
No, it’s true. I read it in some history book.
Or on the internet. So it must be true.

I wonder how many dead bodies are in that lake?
Yes, because that’s what people think of
when they think of the lake.
You never know—there might be a bag
tied in the middle filled with bodies
in the bottom of the lake.
Why don’t you go find out?

words for you to read; maybe share?

Dear Parents, 

Trust me; unless you really wanna hear me complain for the next 20 minutes, you don’t want to read this…

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Sometimes, it makes me really upset that certain members of my family don’t acknowledge my accomplishments. 

My mother was the oldest of five sisters. I am the third oldest of eight grandchildren. When it comes to my aunts, it does not matter what I do in my life, never am I acknowledged for anything positive. My cousins constantly get praised and celebrated for every little thing, but I get ignored. I know that I am different. My cousins are all farm kids; I like television, books and music. They make me feel like an outcast. And it really hurts my feelings. I try not to let it bother me, but even at almost 22, I’m still that 8 year old kid that still longs for her aunts’ approval & attention.

This Castle thing is huge for me. I worked really hard on that research, and for it to be acknowledged by my school and Marlowe as it was is really a special thing. But you can bet that no one will say anything to me about it. Not even a “cool.” Because it doesn’t matter. Because I didn’t get a “B” on my veterinary practical, or perform in a cheer competition, or have a horse die.

But then I think to myself, “Self, you are destined for bigger things. One day, you are gonna get out of this town and have a career you’ve only ever dreamed of. And when that day comes, everyone else will still be stuck in this middle-of-nowhere dead end place, wondering how you ever made it. They’ll wonder how all of this happened under their upturned noses, and wish that maybe they had paid just a little more attention.” And I will laugh.