Scenes from Commencement 2013

Today was the most bittersweet day of my life. 

I never realized how much I loved this place until I was about to leave it.

Walking into the arena, all the professors were lined up waiting for us, and all the English faculty were together and I saw them and I was already tearing up. These people changed my life. Professor Nez has me in tears before I even made it inside. I can’t even with that woman. She has the biggest heart of anyone I know. They all do.

The speech part of the ceremony was…long. But once they started calling names, I felt like I needed time to slow down. Hearing my name and walking across that stage was the proudest moment of my life. I am the first in my entire family to get to this moment. And I could feel my grandparents right there with me, which was the most amazing thing. President Horvath has a nice firm handshake. No limp fish here!

I got to see my three favorite professors outside afterward, and got hugs all around. I regret not asking them for pictures, but I didn’t want to be that creepy student haha. But to Drs. Kaplin and McVicker, and Professor Nezhukumatathil (and you too Parsons, even though I never actually got to take a class with you!)—thank you for EVERYTHING. I know I already said it, but thank you.

I am going to miss so much about Fredonia. I will miss Fenton Hall; the “Richard Castle Appreciation Center”; the endless bookshelves in Reed Library; Starbucks within walking distance; even writing papers.

I have no idea what happens next.

It’s terrifying and liberating and exciting.

Happy graduation Class of 2013! :)

So this happened.

I am doing something stupid right now. 

Kill me. I am too sober to be having this conversation.

I just need one thing. One thing to make my life not seem like a train speeding toward a brick wall.

I am so angry. and sad. 

This rant is being generalized because I need to be careful about what I say. But honestly? After all the time and effort i have put in, you are going to blow me off like this? and for a bogus reason like that? If that is honestly what is keeping you from this, then I will call you out on your bullshit—because that is a bullshit reason. It has NEVER been an issue before, so I don’t know why it would be an issue now.

I feel like you have no faith in me. Like you don’t feel like I can do it, but I know I can. I have been trying to prove that to you for weeks. Months. Forever. But you don’t see it, or choose to ignore it, and you don’t even respect me enough to have the decency to sit me down and tell me WHY. It’s really hurtful and it makes me want to walk away—which almost hurts worse because I love this. And I love you. But it isn’t enough anymore and i am tired of giving it my all when it is getting me nowhere.

What else can I do? What else could you possibly want from me? Because I honestly don’t even know anymore.

About to sound like a totally selfish bitch right now, but I’m gonna anyway. 

Feel free to not read. Or read it. That’s cool too. Just don’t judge me.

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Every Semester (Featuring Castle and Beckett): 

Procrastinate until the last possible second.

Two weeks before finals, realize I’ve done nothing to prepare for finals.

Feel overwhelmed at the sheer amount of work to be done.

Cry.

Plan everything out down to the day and what I’ll be working on.

Follow the schedule.

Get it all done.

Breathe.

Grin when I see A’s as my final grades.

I am going to miss my special college routine.

Sometimes the way you talk to me makes me feel like I’m the only girl you see. Then I remember you talk like that to everyone and so now I don’t really know what you are thinking. You stand really close to me though and it makes me all fluttery inside.

God when you walked in today, I thought for sure you were gonna walk right over and kiss me. There in the middle of the store, just grab me and do it without a bit of hesitation. I thought for sure she’d spilled my secret and that you knew and you might actually even feel the same. The way my stomach flipped when I saw your face through that automatic glass door is something I haven’t felt in so long. And I know it’s crazy because it was just an unrealistic fantasy, but I felt so disappointed when it didn’t happen. Like…that doesn’t even make sense, but I still can’t get it out of my head. All I can think about is you and that kiss that didn’t happen.